WHEN A BABY CRIES Source
Karmen Mlinar, breastfeeding counselor at LLLI
References:
– When Babies Cry, Deborah Boehle, LLLI Pamphlet 310-17, 1991
– The Happiest Baby On The Block, Harvey Karp, 2003
– The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, LLLI, 1997
– The Breastfeeding Answer Book, LLLI, 2003
– The Fussy Baby, Sears W., 2003
– Nighttime Parenting, Sears W., 1985
All babies cry. This is a very simple fact of life. What is not so simple is how we as parents respond to our child’s crying. Your mother may have told you that you shouldn’t spoil a baby by picking them up too often. Your best friend tells you that a baby cannot be spoiled with love and attention. Your neighbor says that children must learn independence even as infants, or they will cling to you forever.
And so you find yourself standing at the door of the nursery, listening to your child cry and not knowing what to do. You’ve breastfed the baby, they’ve burped, you’ve changed the diaper. Of course you want the best for your baby, but what is the best thing you can do?
Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying that your baby crying is a bad thing. In fact—a baby crying—is very good. A baby communicates to us through crying that something is wrong. In order:
1. Is the baby hungry? Feed them.
2. Is the baby wet? Change the diaper.
3. Is the baby lonely? Pick them up.
4. Does the baby have gas? Help them burp.
5. Is the baby cold/too warm? Dress them appropriately.
The problem arises when none of the above WORKS. Scientists who have studied infant crying have found that one in five babies cries for an unknown reason. A baby’s cry is incredible, it breaks our hearts, sends hormones through our bodies, and we as parents have an urgent desire for our child’s crying to stop. And we would do anything to make it happen. Parents who have babies who cry constantly and carry them in their arms all day and night, in addition to wondering what they’re doing wrong, also face the opinion of those around them: “yes, the baby will become spoiled.” As if that helps at all? And we must not forget the feelings of being incompetent parents. Those can be very harsh too. Today’s parents have considerably fewer skills and knowledge about caring for a baby than previous generations. Isn’t it interesting that in our culture, more hours of practical instruction are required for a driver’s license, but for parenthood we need nothing at all?
Crying is good for the lungs
Well, in reality, crying is as good for lung development as bleeding is good for blood vessels (Lee Salk).
Over many years, many parents have learned that babies cry and then fall asleep. Therefore, some “experts” have assumed that babies must cry to develop their lungs and to release all the gas so they can sleep peacefully. Well, this is not true. The idea that a baby’s crying is good for them is completely illogical from both a biological and evolutionary perspective. First: healthy babies who don’t cry have just as healthy and developed lungs as children who cry. Second: a baby in prehistoric times would have exposed themselves to danger by crying, as crying would attract enemies to the family’s hiding place.
But your child is not a small pressure cooker that needs to “let off steam” before cooling down. Letting a baby cry is like setting your ears next to your car with the alarm on and waiting for the battery to die. Now, I’m sure some of you reading this are thinking: “I also feel better when I have a good cry.” Of course that’s completely true. But adults cry for a few minutes, while babies can cry for hours and hours.
I’m convinced that many parents who let their baby cry until they fall asleep exhausted do so only on the advice of others (know-it-alls), because they’re afraid the child will be spoiled, or simply because they are completely desperate and exhausted. It’s a last resort, more out of desperation. Sad, but in many parenting classes even today we hear the advice that if a baby cries for a long time, we should put them in the crib, close the door, go to the most distant room, and turn the music up loud. So we don’t hear our own child’s crying.
All parenting experts emphasize how important it is for adults to be consistent in setting certain boundaries and rules and to always respond the same way. But some days we can comfort a child, and other days no comforting recipe helps anymore. What then? However, there is a fundamental difference between a two-year-old who cries because you won’t buy them a lollipop in the store and a two-month-old baby. If you think you need to discipline and train a baby, you are very much mistaken and jumping ahead.
Babies cry for different but equally important reasons. Boredom or loneliness and the desire for parental company can also be reasons that make a baby feel very unhappy, just as much as if they are hungry or suffering from gas. There is nothing in the world where we would say to pick up a crying baby only when they “really need you.” A baby communicates with you through crying—a baby’s cry means they need something. As long as the baby is crying, their need has not been met. The system is very simple, similar to a burglar alarm: if something is wrong, it will sound until we turn it off. But a baby is not a machine, so they cannot produce sound (crying) indefinitely. When the baby gets tired, they will stop crying. But not because they have comforted themselves, but because they are exhausted and desperate. Dr. William Sears in the book “Nighttime Parenting” says that when parents don’t respond to a child’s crying, we lose the child’s trust in us. But a child’s trust in parents is absolutely essential, necessary for parenting. If you always respond to your child’s crying, you let them know that you are there for them and that you help them. If we trust the child, the child will also learn trust. Numerous scientific studies have shown that those children whose parents always comforted them immediately as babies cry much less as toddlers and children.
If you think that by responding immediately to your child’s crying you are creating a bad habit, spoiling them—you are wrong. On the contrary—by responding immediately to your child’s crying, you are teaching them that they can successfully communicate with you. Even if you never figure out why the child is crying, or if the child is still crying but crying in your arms, the smallest thing your child knows at that moment is that they are not abandoned.
In a scientific study conducted by T. Berry Brazelton thirty years ago, he found that “normal” babies cry an average of two hours a day. More recent studies have shown that even some children who suffer from severe colic cry less than two hours a day if we respond correctly to their crying or pick them up (Taubman 1984). If you always respond to your child’s crying, you don’t teach them to cry more and more often, but on the contrary—you teach them to cry less.
Contrary to entrenched beliefs, by responding to your child’s crying you are definitely not spoiling them. If you let a child cry, you are certainly not developing and encouraging their independence. It is also not true that crying is good for a baby’s lungs. By this logic, babies who cry a lot should have better developed lungs than those who don’t cry at all. In fact, the opposite is true: a baby who cries has their blood oxygen level drop and their heart rate increase significantly. A baby who cries frequently may therefore be generally less developed and progress more poorly. (Sears 1985).
Letting a child cry until they give up is dangerous not only for the child but also for the mother. First—the mother is confused, no longer trusts her intuition. A mother’s heart says to respond to the baby’s crying, but someone else has told her to ignore the crying. She is trapped, doesn’t know what to do, whether to trust herself and her feelings or trust the “experts” and experienced parents, but she certainly wants to do the best for her child. Dr. Sears in the book “Fussy Baby” says: “if a mother constantly listens to other people’s advice and ignores her baby’s crying, she will never learn to trust herself and her child.”
Breastfeeding and crying
Now you know that you must always respond to your child’s crying. But how do you comfort them? Most breastfeeding mothers will automatically put their baby to the breast. The fact is that many breastfeeding mothers say that as soon as they hear the baby cry, they feel the let-down reflex in their breasts. So nature itself tells us mothers what the best possible way to respond is.
If a breastfeeding mother has a baby who cries a lot, unfortunately most people around her will think that the baby is definitely crying because they don’t have enough milk or that there is something wrong with her milk. Sheila Kitzinger, an anthropologist, midwife, and researcher, found in one of her studies that the most common advice to breastfeeding mothers whose babies cry is to offer the child a bottle of formula. Unfortunately, many mothers who followed this advice found that the baby—even when bottle-fed—still cried. Not only did the baby still cry, mothers found that they lost that special feeling of connection with their child that is normal during breastfeeding. Breastfeeding a crying baby compared to bottle-feeding greatly simplifies the relationship between mother and child, as the release of milk in the mother releases the hormone oxytocin, which causes us mothers to feel even more love for the baby and be more protective.
If you have a baby who is comforted by more frequent breastfeeding, simply: breastfeed them more often. If the baby is 6 months old or older, it may be time to start introducing solid foods. But if the baby is still too young for solid food, it’s possible they are going through a growth spurt and the more frequent breastfeeding will settle down in the next three to five days. During this time, breastfeed the baby as often as they express the desire and need, even if only half an hour has passed since the last feeding.
Sometimes it happens that babies who breastfeed very frequently eat more milk than their stomach can handle. If the baby still wants to suck but is already spitting up heavily, put them back on the same side where you finished feeding (don’t switch sides). Because breasts are never completely empty (as milk is produced continuously), the baby won’t be sucking on completely empty breasts, but still won’t get as much milk as they would if you switched sides, and the baby’s stomach won’t be overfilled.
If the baby cries excessively only for a few days, it’s possible that the cause may also be in the food eaten by the breastfeeding mother. A breastfeeding mother can eat all foods and drinks, there is no need to have a special breastfeeding diet. But if you notice a correlation between foods you eat and your child’s crying, then you can eliminate that food from your diet for a few days and observe the child. Some babies are very sensitive to vitamin, mineral, or fluoride supplements that the mother takes (and the child thus receives through milk) or that the child receives themselves.
I’m sure most breastfeeding mothers have encountered advice about which foods are appropriate for them and the child and which are not. Interestingly, forbidden foods vary greatly between nations, and some even have restrictions. Not too cold, not too hot, not too strong, not too weak, avoiding dairy products or on the contrary—recommending dairy products, avoiding citrus fruits, etc… Mothers who bottle-feed their child usually get the advice to change the brand of milk.
In many years of scientific research, they have found the following: a baby can cry because of food consumed only if they have serious digestive problems, allergies, or if there is too much caffeine, theine, or theobromine in their diet.
Some babies have great difficulty burping. Some children burp as soon as we lift them into a more upright position, while others need to be on their mother’s shoulder for at least five minutes or even longer before they finally burp. If you think the baby is crying because they are visibly bothered by a burp, try different positions for burping (lay the child across your legs and pat their back, at night, when you’re lying down, place them across your hip, …). Also check that the baby doesn’t have the diaper fastened too tightly around their belly. It often happens that when a baby burps, they immediately want to fill the missing space in their stomach—of course, again by breastfeeding.
Does your baby cry during or immediately after feeding?
Squirming and grunting probably really does look like digestive problems, but usually it’s just a normal reaction to a normal digestive reflex called the “gastro-colic reflex” (literally: the passage of food from the stomach to the intestine). This reflex is a normal body response that tells the intestines: “hey, work for you down there,” to make room for new food. Most newborns therefore poop during or immediately after feeding. Some babies don’t feel this reflex at all, while for others it’s as if they’ve been punched in the stomach. The latter therefore cry out.
Techniques for comforting and soothing babies
If the baby doesn’t want to breastfeed, has burped, and has a fresh, dry diaper, what else can you do? First, undress them and check that the diaper or part of the clothing isn’t pinching them somewhere. Check that a thread or hair hasn’t gotten tangled between their toes. Maybe they’re being poked or irritated by snaps or Velcro strips on cloth diapers (if you use them) and on clothing.
If the baby is still crying, try getting both of you into a bathtub filled with warm water. Of course, the air in the bathroom must also be warm so the baby won’t be cold. A warm bath can be very soothing for both mother and baby. In the bath, place the baby on your belly, with their head at the level of your heart (of course it must be above water), so the child can hear your heartbeat. Gently pour warm water over them and talk to them so the baby relaxes.
Massage is also very effective for calming babies. Researcher Sheila Kitzinger discovered that babies whose mothers touch them a lot, massage them, and have a lot of skin-to-skin contact progress faster and better, develop better motor skills, and are calmer and cry less. We would all probably agree that touch from a loved one does us good as adults too and makes us feel better. It is also soothing to hear the voice of a loved one, so singing to a baby is also one of the very effective calming techniques.
Many babies calm down quickly if mothers pick them up or carry them in soft wraps or baby slings. Babies are so close to their mother (or father), they smell the scent of skin, hear the heartbeat, and calm down faster. Using a wrap or sling is especially useful if you feel like you’re not getting anything done because of the baby (which can be very frustrating for some mothers) because all day long you’re just carrying the baby in your arms. You can carry the baby in a wrap or sling at home too, not just outside. Some parents are afraid that if they constantly carry the baby in the first months, the baby will become spoiled and will be that way forever. Don’t worry, when the baby masters sitting and crawling, no force will keep them in their mother’s arms anymore.
Given how interesting the world is, it’s no wonder that most babies soon become overstimulated. Some can simply turn off the world and fall asleep, while others need help. Some babies aren’t woken by loud noise, others by the slightest breeze. Bright light, loud music, clattering in the kitchen, or shouting siblings can greatly disturb a sensitive baby. Then retreat with them to another room where there are fewer people and more peace. If you think the baby would like to be alone for a bit, put them in the crib and wait nearby. If the crying doesn’t subside soon, pick them up again. Some babies simply really do need a few minutes of crying or fussing to calm down and fall asleep. But if the crying becomes louder and the baby is increasingly upset, this is probably not what they need.
In our culture, it is customary to put babies in baskets, cradles, or baby seats after feeding. If they’re sleeping, we usually put them in the most distant room, darken the space, and quiet the activity. Can you imagine how noisy it is in the mother’s belly? Sudden silence and complete peace really get on babies’ nerves. “Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—help—I’m locked in a closet! Get me out!!!” Does lack of stimulation mean the baby is bored? No. Does the baby need peace and quiet? No. The baby just wants a pulsating rhythm (carrying, rocking), sucking, warmth, and white noise. What do you think, why do many babies sleep beautifully next to a spinning washing machine or the sound of water from the tap, not to mention the miraculous vacuum cleaner! The queen of all is mother’s arms and breastfeeding.
For millennia, parents have known an excellent tool for calming children: rocking in a rocking chair or on a swing seat. More modern moms also use a large ball for this purpose, on which we sit with the child in our arms and rock with them. Not to mention the positive effects on the muscles of the mother’s legs, buttocks, and abdomen.
Some babies calm down only in a very specific position. The most common position is to have the baby on our arm, partly on the left hip and partly on the belly. Arms and legs dangle freely toward the floor. We also call this position the “colic hold.” Some children calm down if we place them on our legs, with their head on our knees and their legs raised against our body. At the same time, we can gently massage their belly and raise and lower their legs.
Because children before birth are surrounded by fluid in the womb, most of them don’t cry because they have a wet diaper (if you use cloth diapers, of course). Of course, the situation is completely different if the baby has an inflamed bottom (diaper rash). The best remedy for an inflamed bottom is prevention. Change the child frequently. If you use disposable diapers and the child has diaper rash, use cotton washable diapers for a while. And vice versa—if you use washable diapers, use disposable diapers for a while. If you use washable diapers and the child has stubborn diaper rash, change the detergent and rinse the diapers twice. Avoid plastic diaper covers for a while. Diaper rash can be very painful for a baby. If it lasts a long time, visit a doctor with the child, who will prescribe appropriate therapy with ointments.
If your child cries hard when having a bowel movement, this does not mean they are suffering from constipation. Some babies have difficulty passing even very liquid breastfed stool. Such children are helped if we hold them more upright during this time, pick them up, or lean them on our shoulders.
Night crying
When you think the child should fall asleep—but they’re still crying, the simplest solution is to lie down with them. Many mothers notice that babies cry when they lie alone in the cradle, but when they move them to their own bed, they are completely content. If you don’t sleep well yourself when the baby is in your bed, make sure the baby’s crib with the side down is next to you. This way you can immediately comfort or breastfeed them even before they fully wake up, and you’ll be spared getting up at night. Some mothers don’t want to have the child next to them in bed for fear that the child will become spoiled. However—before the baby was born, they slept with you for 9 months, every night, listening to the sounds of your body, listening to your heartbeat and your breathing. Some children can sleep in their own crib right away, others need to be gradually and lovingly accustomed to it. Babies are afraid, they don’t feel safe if they have to sleep alone in a cold cradle.
We can also have problems putting a baby to sleep during the day. As long as we hold them in our arms, they will sleep completely peacefully, as soon as we put them down to sleep, they wake up. Sometimes it’s good for the mother to lie down with the baby during the day, breastfeed them, and rest beside them. When the baby falls asleep, we can sneak away without disturbing them. Another option is for the mother to prepare a “nest” for breastfeeding. Have a glass of water, a healthy snack, a good book, a phone, or TV remote at hand. You can use the time for breastfeeding and the baby’s nap for reading or watching an interesting TV show, while also resting yourself. If you’re too busy for this kind of rest (perhaps you have other children), put the child in a soft baby wrap or sling. The baby will nap with you, and you’ll be able to get things done around the house or attend to other children. This way of carrying a child is very similar to how children were carried before birth, in the mother’s belly. Some babies are also helped to sleep by being wrapped tightly in a light blanket. When they’re snug, it reminds them of the time before birth and has a calming effect.
A baby with colic:
Dr. Sears describes a baby with colic like this: “if you’re wondering whether your baby might have colic, then your baby definitely doesn’t have colic. Babies with colic leave no doubt in their parents’ minds.” A baby who has colic can cry hard for several hours at a time and none of the listed calming techniques help. For many years, people have been trying to define colic and its causes, but despite various theories, everyone agrees that colic causes the baby extremely severe physical discomfort. The body of a baby with colic is tense, cramped, the child pulls their legs to their belly, clenches their fists, their face looks in severe agony, and they scream with a high, piercing voice. Colic usually appears late in the afternoon or evening and can last a few minutes or even hours. It is very important to respond IMMEDIATELY to the crying of a baby with colic, as babies swallow a lot of air while crying. This will further contribute to their discomfort and make our efforts to comfort them more difficult.
When nothing works
Many babies wouldn’t cry at all if mothers responded immediately to signs that the baby is about to start crying (e.g., changing a diaper before feeding an obviously very hungry baby can also wait). Most babies show certain signs before they start crying inconsolably. If the mother pays attention to them immediately, the baby has no need to cry at all. If you respond to your baby’s signs immediately and in time, you will teach the baby that they don’t need to cry loudly if they want to achieve something. Because their needs are met, they cry less often.
However, some babies start crying suddenly and constantly increase the intensity of crying until we can no longer comfort or calm them at all. We say that such children need to “let off steam” from time to time (although babies are not pressure cookers!) and continue to cry until they calm themselves down. This is typical of very sensitive babies. It’s important that the baby doesn’t cry alone, that we are beside them, and that as soon as they calm down we can satisfy their needs, which probably triggered the crying, but because of the crying itself they were not able to accept it. If you’re not ready in time to satisfy the need, the vicious circle of crying will start again. And who knows, maybe your last solution that you’ll think of—will finally be successful.
If you’ve tried everything and your baby is still crying, you may feel very helpless, even though you’re not doing anything wrong. At that moment you will surely have thoughts of letting them cry alone. Mothers can encounter such feelings quite quickly, but it’s important to remember that just by holding your child in your arms—you are doing at least something good for them. By doing this, you are letting your child know that you love them, that you are with them, even if they are happily gurgling or hysterically crying. It’s not always easy to love a crying baby, a baby who cries a lot and often. But be aware that such children are the ones who need you most. When a baby cries, time stops. But when you watch them in just under a year, when they’re already a toddler happily exploring the world around them, you will surely ask yourself—where does time fly so fast?
