WHEN A BABY CRIES Source
Karmen Mlinar, breastfeeding counsellor at LLLI
References:
– When Babies Cry, Deborah Boehle, LLLI Pamphlet 310-17, 1991
– The Happiest Baby on the Block, Harvey Karp, 2003
– The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, LLLI, 1997
– The Breastfeeding Answer Book, LLLI, 2003
– The Fussy Baby, W. Sears, 2003
– Nigtime Parenting, W. Sears, 1985
All babies cry. That’s a very simple fact of life. What isn’t so simple is how we, as parents, respond to our baby’s crying. Your mother may have told you that you mustn’t spoil a baby by picking them up too often. Your best friend tells you you can’t spoil a baby with love and attention. Your neighbour says children need to learn independence even as babies, or they’ll cling to you forever.
And so you find yourself standing at the nursery door, listening to your baby cry and not knowing what you can do. You’ve breastfed the baby, they’ve burped, you’ve changed the diaper. Of course you want the very best for your baby, but what is the best thing you can do?
Please don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying it’s bad that your baby is crying. In fact—babies crying is a very good thing. By crying, your baby is telling us that something isn’t right. In order:
1. Is the baby hungry? Feed them.
2. Is the baby wet? Change the diaper.
3. Is the baby lonely? Pick them up.
4. Does the baby have gas? Help them burp.
5. Is the baby cold/too warm? Dress them appropriately.
The problem starts when NONE of the above WORKS. Scientists who studied babies’ crying found that one in five babies cries for an unknown reason. A baby’s cry is incredible—it breaks our hearts, sends hormones through our bodies, and as parents we feel an urgent need to make our child stop crying. And so we would do anything. Parents with babies who cry constantly and are carried in arms day and night, besides wondering what they’re doing wrong, also face comments from others: “Well, the baby will get spoiled.” As if that helps at all. And we mustn’t forget the feelings of being an incapable parent—those can be very intense too. Today’s parents have far fewer practical baby-care skills than previous generations. Isn’t it interesting that in our culture you need many hours of practical lessons for a driving test, but for parenting you don’t need anything at all?
Crying is good for the lungs
Well, in fact, crying is as good for lung development as bleeding is for blood vessels (Lee Salk).
Over the years, many parents have noticed that babies cry and then fall asleep. So some “experts” assumed that babies must cry to develop their lungs and to get all the gas out so they can sleep peacefully. Well, that’s not true. The idea that a baby’s crying is good for them is completely illogical, both biologically and evolutionarily. First: healthy babies who don’t cry have lungs that are just as healthy and developed as those of babies who do cry. Second: in prehistoric times, a baby would have exposed themselves to danger by crying, because crying would attract enemies to the family’s hiding place.
But your child isn’t a little pressure cooker that has to “let off steam” before it cools down. Leaving a baby to cry is like putting your ear to a car with the alarm going off and waiting for the battery to die. Now, I’m sure some of you reading this are thinking: “I feel better when I have a good cry too.” Of course that’s absolutely true. But adults cry for a few minutes—babies can cry for hours and hours.
I’m convinced that many parents who leave their baby to cry until they fall asleep from exhaustion do so only on someone else’s advice (know-it-alls), because they’re afraid the child will be spoiled, or simply because they’re completely desperate and exhausted. It’s a last resort—more out of despair. Sadly, even today, in many parenting classes you still hear the advice to put a baby who has been crying for a long time into the crib, close the door, go to the farthest room, and turn the music up loud—so you don’t have to hear your own child crying.
All parenting experts stress how important it is for adults to be consistent in setting certain boundaries and rules and to respond the same way every time. But some days you can soothe your child, and other days no soothing “recipe” works anymore. What then? There is, however, a crucial difference between a two-year-old crying because you won’t buy them a lollipop at the store and a two-month-old baby. If you think a baby needs to be disciplined and “raised” already, you’re very mistaken and getting ahead of yourself.
Babies cry for different, but equally important, reasons. Boredom or loneliness, and wanting their parents’ company, can also make a baby feel very unhappy—just as much as hunger or painful gas. There is nothing in the world for which we would say we should pick up a crying baby only when they “really need you.” A baby communicates with you by crying—your baby’s cry means they need something. As long as the baby is crying, their need hasn’t been met. The system is very simple, like a burglar alarm: if something is wrong, it will keep sounding until we switch it off. But a baby isn’t a machine, so they can’t produce sound (crying) indefinitely. When a baby gets tired, they will stop crying—but not because they’ve soothed themselves, but because they’re exhausted and desperate. Dr William Sears says in his book »Nigtime Parenting« that when parents don’t respond to a child’s crying, the child loses trust in them. But a child’s trust in their parents is essential—absolutely necessary for parenting. If you always respond to your child’s crying, you show them you’re here for them and that you’ll help. If we trust a child, the child will also learn trust. Many scientific studies have shown that children whose parents always soothed them immediately as babies cry much less as toddlers and older children.
If you think that responding immediately to your child’s crying creates a bad habit—spoiling them—you’re wrong. Quite the opposite: by responding immediately to your child’s crying, you teach them that they can communicate successfully with you. Even if you never find out why your child is crying, or if they still cry despite everything, but they’re crying in your arms, the smallest thing your child knows in that moment is that they are not abandoned.
In a scientific study done by T. Berry Brazelton thirty years ago, he found that “normal” babies cry an average of two hours a day. More recent research has shown that even some babies with severe colic cry less than two hours a day if we respond to their crying appropriately or pick them up (Taubman 1984). If you always respond to your child’s crying, you don’t teach them to cry more and more often—quite the opposite: you teach them to cry less.
Contrary to deeply rooted beliefs, responding to your child’s crying certainly does not spoil them. If you leave a child to cry, you certainly do not develop or encourage their independence. It’s also not true that crying is good for a baby’s lungs. By that logic, babies who cry a lot should have better-developed lungs than those who don’t cry at all. In fact, the opposite is true: when a baby cries, their blood oxygen level drops and their heart rate increases significantly. A baby who cries often may therefore even be less well developed overall and gain weight more poorly (Sears 1985).
Leaving a child to cry until they give up is not only dangerous for the baby, but also for the mother. First—the mother becomes confused and no longer trusts her intuition. A mother’s heart tells her to respond to her baby’s crying, but someone else has told her to ignore it. She’s trapped and doesn’t know what to do—whether to trust herself and her feelings or to trust “experts” and experienced parents—yet she wants to do what’s best for her child. Dr Sears says in the book »Fussy Baby«: “If a mother keeps listening to other people’s advice and ignores her baby’s crying, she will never learn to trust herself and her baby.”
Breastfeeding and crying
Now you know that you should always respond to your child’s crying. But how do you soothe them? Most breastfeeding mothers will automatically put their baby to the breast. The fact is that many breastfeeding mothers say that as soon as they hear their baby cry, they feel the let-down reflex in their breasts. In this way, nature itself tells us mothers what the best possible response is.
If a breastfeeding mother has a baby who cries a lot, unfortunately most people around her will think the baby is surely crying because they’re not getting enough milk, or that something is wrong with her milk. Sheila Kitzinger, an anthropologist, midwife, and researcher, found in one of her studies that the most common advice to breastfeeding mothers whose babies cry is to offer the baby a bottle of formula. Sadly, many mothers who followed this advice found that even with bottle-feeding, the baby still cried. Not only did the baby keep crying, the mothers also found they lost that special feeling of connection with their baby that is normal with breastfeeding. Breastfeeding a crying baby, compared to bottle-feeding, greatly simplifies the relationship between mother and child, because when milk is released, the hormone oxytocin is released in the mother, which makes mothers feel even more love for their baby and become more protective.
If your baby calms down with more frequent breastfeeding, it’s simple: breastfeed more often. If your baby is 6 months old or older, it may already be time to start introducing solid foods. But if your baby is still too young for solids, it’s possible they’re going through a growth spurt, and the more frequent breastfeeding will settle down over the next three to five days. During this time, breastfeed as often as your baby shows the desire and need—even if it’s only been half an hour since the last feed.
Sometimes babies who breastfeed very often drink more milk than their little stomach can handle. If your baby still wants to suckle but is also spitting up a lot, put them back on the side where you finished feeding (don’t switch sides). Because breasts are never completely emptied (milk is produced continuously), your baby won’t be sucking on an “empty” breast, but they still won’t get as much milk as they would if you switched sides, and their stomach won’t be overfilled.
If your baby cries excessively for only a few days, it’s possible the cause is also something the breastfeeding mother ate. A breastfeeding mother can enjoy all foods and drinks—there’s no need for a special breastfeeding diet. But if you notice a link between foods you eat and your baby’s crying, you can remove that food from your diet for a few days and observe your baby. Some babies are very sensitive to vitamin and mineral supplements or fluoride substitutes the mother takes (and the baby then gets through the milk), or that the baby also receives directly.
I’m sure most breastfeeding mothers have encountered advice about which foods are suitable for her and the baby and which are not. Interestingly, “forbidden” foods vary greatly between nations, and some even have restrictions. Not too cold, not too hot, not too strong, not too bland; avoiding dairy products or, on the contrary, recommending dairy; avoiding citrus, etc. Mothers who bottle-feed usually get the advice to change the brand of formula.
Many years of scientific research have found the following: a baby can cry because of food only if they have serious digestive problems, allergies, or if there is too much caffeine, theine, or theobromine in their diet.
Some babies have great difficulty burping. Some babies burp as soon as we lift them into a more upright position, while others need to be on their mother’s shoulder for at least five minutes or even longer before they finally burp. If you think your baby is crying because burping is clearly bothering them, try different burping positions (lay the baby across your legs and pat their back; at night, while you’re lying down, lay them across your hip, …). Also check that the diaper isn’t fastened too tightly around the tummy. It often happens that once a baby burps, they immediately want to fill the “missing space” in their stomach—of course, by breastfeeding again.
Does your baby cry during or right after feeding?
Squirming and grunting may really look like digestive trouble, but it’s usually just a normal reaction to a normal digestive reflex called the “gastrocolic reflex” (literally: the movement of food from the stomach to the intestines). This reflex is the body’s normal response that tells the intestines: “Hey, work for you down there,” to make room for new food. That’s why most newborns poop during or right after feeding. Some babies don’t feel this reflex at all, but for others it’s as if they’ve been punched in the stomach. Those babies cry.
Techniques for soothing and calming babies
If your baby doesn’t want to breastfeed, has burped, and has a fresh, dry diaper, what else can you do? First, undress them and check that the diaper or a piece of clothing isn’t pinching them somewhere. Check that a thread or hair hasn’t wrapped around a finger or toe. Maybe snaps or Velcro straps on fitted cloth diapers (if you use them) or on clothing are tickling, irritating, or pressing on them.
If your baby is still crying, try getting into a bathtub together filled with warm water. Of course, the bathroom should also be warmed up so the baby doesn’t get cold. A warm bath can be very soothing for both mother and baby. In the bath, place the baby on your belly, with their head at the level of your heart (of course it must be above the water), so your baby can hear your heartbeat. Gently pour warm water over them and talk softly to help your baby relax.
Massage is also very effective for calming babies. Researcher Sheila Kitzinger discovered that babies whose mothers touch them a lot, massage them, and have lots of skin-to-skin contact grow faster and better, develop motor skills better, and are calmer and cry less. We would probably all agree that, for us adults too, the touch of a loved one does us good and makes us feel better. It’s also soothing to hear a loved one’s voice, so singing to your baby is another very effective calming technique.
Many babies calm down quickly if mothers pick them up or carry them in soft wraps or slings. Babies are so close to their mother (or father), they smell skin, hear the heartbeat, and calm down faster. Using a wrap or sling is especially helpful if you feel you can’t get anything done because you’re carrying your baby in your arms all day long (which can be very frustrating for some mothers). You can carry your baby in a wrap or sling at home too, not only outside. Some parents are afraid that constant carrying in the first months will spoil the baby forever. Don’t worry—once your baby masters sitting and crawling, no force will keep them in their mother’s arms anymore.
Given how interesting the world is, it’s no wonder most babies quickly become overstimulated. Some can simply switch the world off and fall asleep, while others need help. Some babies aren’t woken by loud noise; others by the slightest breeze. Bright light, loud music, clattering in the kitchen, or siblings shouting can really bother a sensitive baby. In that case, move with your baby to another room where there are fewer people and more calm. If you think your baby wants to be alone for a bit, put them in the crib and stay nearby. If the crying doesn’t settle soon, pick them up again. Some babies really do need a few minutes of crying or fussing to calm down and fall asleep. But if the crying gets louder and the baby becomes more and more upset, that’s probably not what they need.
In our culture, it’s common to put babies down after feeding in baskets, cradles, or baby seats. If they’re asleep, we usually put them in the farthest room, dim the lights, and quiet everything down. Can you imagine how noisy it is in the womb? Sudden silence and complete stillness can really get on a baby’s nerves. “Waaaaaaaaaaaaaa—help—I’m locked in a closet! Get me out!!!” Does a lack of stimulation mean the baby is bored? No. Does the baby need peace and quiet? No. A baby just wants a pulsing rhythm (carrying, rocking), sucking, warmth, and white noise. Why do you think so many babies fall asleep wonderfully to a spinning washing machine or the sound of running water—not to mention the “magic” of the vacuum cleaner! And the queens of it all are a mother’s arms and breastfeeding.
For thousands of years, parents have known an excellent tool for calming children: rocking in a rocking chair or on a rocking sofa. More modern mums also use a large exercise ball for this—we sit on it with the baby in our arms and bounce and rock together. Not to mention the positive effects on the muscles of a mother’s legs, bottom, and belly.
Some babies calm down only in a very specific position. The most common position is holding the baby on your arm, partly on their left side and partly on their tummy. Arms and legs dangle freely toward the floor. This position is also called the “colic hold.” Some babies calm down if we lay them on our legs, with their head on our knees and their legs lifted against our body. While doing this, you can gently massage their tummy and lift and lower their legs.
Because before birth babies are surrounded by fluid in the womb, most don’t cry because of a wet diaper (if you use cloth diapers, of course). But it’s completely different if the baby has a sore bottom (diaper rash). The best remedy for a sore bottom is prevention. Change your baby often. If you use disposable diapers and your baby has diaper rash, use cotton washable cloth diapers for a while. And vice versa—if you use cloth diapers, use disposables for a while. If you use cloth diapers and your baby has stubborn diaper rash, change the detergent and rinse the diapers twice. Avoid plastic diaper covers for a while. Diaper rash can be very painful for a baby. If it lasts a long time, visit a doctor, who will prescribe appropriate ointment treatment.
If your child cries hard when having a bowel movement, that doesn’t mean they’re constipated. Some babies have difficulty passing even the very loose stools of a breastfed baby. For these babies, it helps to hold them more upright during this time, pick them up, or rest them on your shoulder.
Night-time crying
When you think your baby should fall asleep—but they’re still crying—the simplest solution is to lie down with them. Many mothers notice that babies cry when they lie alone in a cradle, but when they move them into their own bed, they are completely content. If you don’t sleep well when your baby is in your bed, make sure the baby’s crib, with the side lowered, is right next to you. That way you can soothe or breastfeed them immediately, before they fully wake up, and you’ll be spared getting up at night. Some mothers don’t want the baby in bed with them because they’re afraid the baby will be spoiled. Either way—before your baby was born, they slept with you for 9 months, every night, listening to the sounds of your body, your heartbeat, and your breathing. Some babies can sleep in their own crib right away; others need to be gradually and lovingly accustomed to it. Babies are afraid and don’t feel safe if they have to sleep alone, in a cold cradle.
We can also have problems getting a baby to sleep during the day. As long as you hold them, they sleep perfectly peacefully, but as soon as you put them down in their sleeping place, they wake up. Sometimes it’s good for the mother too to lie down with the baby during the day, breastfeed, and rest beside them. When the baby falls asleep, you can slip away without disturbing them. Another option is for the mother to prepare a “nest” for breastfeeding. Keep a glass of water, a healthy snack, a good book, a phone, or the TV remote within reach. You can use the time while breastfeeding and while your little one dozes to read or watch an interesting TV show, while also resting yourself. If you’re too busy for that kind of rest (maybe you have other children), put the baby in a soft wrap or sling. The baby will doze on you, and you’ll be able to do things around the house or give attention to your other children. This way of carrying a baby is very similar to how they were carried before birth—in the mother’s womb. Some babies also sleep better if you swaddle them snugly in a light blanket. Being held tightly reminds them of the time before birth and has a calming effect.
A baby with colic:
Dr Sears describes a baby with colic like this: “If you’re wondering whether your baby might have colic, then your baby definitely doesn’t have colic. Babies with colic leave their parents in no doubt.” A baby with colic can cry intensely for hours at a time, and none of the soothing techniques listed will help. For many years people have tried to define colic and its causes, but despite different theories, everyone agrees that colic causes a baby extremely severe physical discomfort. The body of a baby with colic is tense, in spasm; the baby pulls their legs up to their tummy, clenches their fists, their little face looks in severe agony, and they scream in a high, piercing voice. Colic usually appears late afternoon or in the evening and can last a few minutes or even hours. It’s very important to respond IMMEDIATELY to the crying of a baby with colic, because babies swallow a lot of air while crying. This will make them feel even worse and will make it harder for us to soothe them.
When nothing works
Many babies wouldn’t cry at all if mothers responded immediately to the signs that show the baby is about to start crying (for example, changing a clearly very hungry baby before feeding can wait). Most babies show certain signs before they start crying inconsolably. If the mother takes them into account right away, the baby has no need to cry. If you respond to your baby’s cues immediately and in time, you will teach your baby that they don’t need to cry loudly to get something. Because their needs are met, they cry less often.
But some babies start crying suddenly and keep increasing the intensity until we can no longer soothe or calm them. We say that such babies need, from time to time, to “let off steam” (even though babies aren’t pressure cookers!) and keep crying until they calm down. This is typical of very sensitive babies. It’s important that the baby doesn’t cry alone—that we stay with them—and that as soon as they calm down, we can meet their needs, which probably triggered the crying, but because of the crying itself they weren’t able to accept it. If you’re not ready in time to meet the need, the vicious cycle of crying will start again. And who knows—maybe your last solution, the one you can still think of, will finally work.
If you’ve tried absolutely everything and your baby is still crying, you may feel very powerless, even though you’re doing nothing wrong. At that point, thoughts will surely cross your mind about leaving the baby to cry alone. Mothers can quickly find themselves with feelings like that, but it’s important to remember that simply holding your baby in your arms means you’re doing at least something good for them. You’re showing your child that you love them, that you’re with them—whether they’re happily cooing or crying hysterically. It’s not always easy to love a crying baby—a baby who cries a lot and often. But be aware that these are the babies who need you most. When a baby cries, time stands still. But when you look at them in less than a year, when they’re already a toddler happily exploring the world around them, you’ll surely wonder—where does time go so fast?
